In our quest to build healthy, supportive relationships, many of us reflexively turn to praise to reinforce positive behavior and strengthen connections. "You're so smart!" or "You're amazing!" are phrases that often roll off the tongue with the best intentions. But what if praise sometimes misses the mark and even creates a hidden pressure to live up to labels?
Research increasingly shows that there is a better way to uplift others: encouragement.
What’s the Difference Between Praise and Encouragement?
Praise often focuses on innate attributes, with statements like "You're so talented" or "You're so pretty." While well-meaning, these comments can unintentionally tie a person’s value to fixed traits, leading them to rely on external validation for self worth. Over time, this approach may foster a fixed mindset—a term coined by psychologist Carol Dweck. In her research, Dweck found that individuals praised solely for inherent qualities often avoid challenges, fearing that failure could diminish their identity.
Dweck’s Growth Mindset research highlights the importance of shifting from praise to encouragement. Encouragement, unlike praise, focuses on effort and process. It acknowledges the hard work and perseverance behind achievements rather than the results themselves. For example, saying, "You worked really hard to understand that concept," fosters resilience and a willingness to embrace challenges, helping individuals see failures as opportunities for growth.
At its core, encouragement means to "give courage." An example of this comes from Kate Winslet, who shared in a podcast interview: "Instead of telling our young girls, 'You look lovely today,' try saying, 'I love how you dress with so much pride. I admire that.'"
Do you feel the difference? Praise acknowledges external presentation, while encouragement acknowledges internal effort and thoughtful choices. This subtle shift has a powerful impact, fostering long-term growth and building confidence from within.
Encouragement in Action:
How can you apply encouragement in your daily life? Try these tips:
Acknowledge effort, not results:
Instead of focusing solely on achievements, recognize the hard work and persistence that went into them. "You really stuck with that difficult project, and I admire your dedication."
Be specific:
Avoid vague praise like "Good job!" Instead, provide specific feedback. "I saw how you stayed calm and patient in that meeting—it really made a difference."
Promote resilience:
Encourage others to embrace challenges and learn from setbacks. "I'm proud of how you kept going, even when it wasn't easy."
Foster autonomy:
Help people reflect on their own growth. Rather than saying, "I'm proud of you," try, "You should feel really proud of yourself for the hard work you put in."
Encourage Yourself Too
Encouragement isn't just for others—it's something we need to give ourselves. Our inner critics often replay negative messages based on external validation, leading to feelings of inadequacy. By shifting to self-encouragement, we can build resilience and self-compassion.
Instead of telling yourself, "I'm not good enough," practice saying, "I worked hard today, and that's something to be proud of." Over time, this practice will help you face challenges with more courage and less fear of failure.
Why Encouragement is Worth the Extra Effort:
Encouragement builds an emotional foundation for solid and healthy relationships. Here's why it works:
Build Connection: Encouragement shows that you see the person for their efforts, not just their achievements. It deepens emotional connections by making others feel valued for who they are and how they contribute.
Foster Intrinsic Motivation: By focusing on effort, you help individuals tap into their internal motivation. They take pride in their hard work and perseverance.
Promote Resilience: Encouragement reinforces the idea that making mistakes and failing is okay as long as effort and learning are present. This practice reduces the fear of failure and strengthens resilience, allowing people to take on increasing challenges more confidently.
Reduce Pressure: Encouragement alleviates performance pressure and perfectionism by recognizing that effort matters, not just outcomes.
Build Fulfillment with Encouragement
By focusing on effort, perseverance, and the process of growth, we build environments where love, authenticity, and fulfillment can flourish. Encouragement allows us to uplift others without creating unrealistic expectations.
Let's start practicing encouragement for others and ourselves today and watch our relationships grow stronger and more authentic.
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